I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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