friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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