He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
