spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I touched a dick in church today
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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