last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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