cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
