I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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