so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he thought i was a dude.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
