my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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