I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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