I could make wine with my vomit
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
