How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Shame is for Republicans.
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