Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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