So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
