that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
