First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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