I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
