I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
