I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
