I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
did i just pee glitter
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My feet surprised me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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