Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
