I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
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How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
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reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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