I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
