dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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