hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
