My liver just broke up with me...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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