listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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