I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
