Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
