i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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