MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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