so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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