According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
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You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
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