yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So much Jack, so little girl.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize