8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
