My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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