Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
