Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
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dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
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Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
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