weddingsv make me drug and hornr
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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