one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Pooping to opera.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
