OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
