im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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