He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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