he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
being pregnant is like rehab
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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