the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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