i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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