Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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