she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I need a beard to bite.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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