Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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