def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
