where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
