If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
