Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
