I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
