i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
