she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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